Recently I heard from an old girlfriend through (of course) Facebook. It had been at least 33 years since we spoke, and after we caught up on where we’d been and where we are now, I reflected on how much her identity, in my mind, had been made up of memories from the time long past. Even after sharing a few details of our current lives, I’m sure my view of who she is is highly colored by the things I knew about her in 1979. If she thinks of me at all, I’m sure the same thing is true for her.
The old information is, in its way, romantic, but has nothing to do with reality, and it struck me that there are probably a lot of ideas that we carry around in memory that have little or nothing to do with the actual state of affairs today. Besides a few warm and fuzzy feelings from past relationships, I know I still remember our family’s cabin in Northern Michigan with a gentle patina of romance that has nothing to do with who owns it or what state it’s in today. I remember my cousins in Washington from the time we were kids, and it’s a shock to see photos of them today. Even my feelings about the town I live in are made up both of recent experiences and memories from childhood.
That baggage can get in the way of an accurate perception of reality. It creates expectations that are not aligned with who or what you’re facing in the moment. Since people are our most valuable and meaningful connection with the universe, we do ourselves a disservice when we don’t give them our full attention. If you reach out to an old friend, be ready to really notice who they really are today. You could be surprised by the result. If you’ve been harboring some fairy tale ideas about them but it turns out they’re not very interesting, you might find the transformation liberating. If you discover than they’re actually extremely interesting and can play an important role in your life, you might find that very rewarding. Oh, and by the way, give yourself the same total attention. You may not be the same person you used to be, and the new you could be even more outstanding than the old one!
